Before reading any further, listen to this song below. :)
You didn't really have to listen to the song, but I think it's a really fun song to listen to!
I really like the chorus of the song.
"Beautiful surrender is where I wanna be
locked into your arms for all eternity
come and take my hand you can lead me where you please
that beautiful surrender is chasing after me."
As I step back in reflection of my life, I see God's hand over every season of my life from when I was born until now - guiding me, leading me - whether I knew it in those moments or not. Twenty-one has been one eventful year! I titled this post "Beautiful Surrender" because these two words sum up this year very well. This year God has been asking me to trust him through disappointments and when circumstances didn't make sense logically (when the circumstances didn't seem to align with what I believe God spoke and promised over my life but this is what faith is!). Even though the results I had been looking for didn't meet my expectations in various areas in life, as I surrendered and stepped back, I realized that God is working in the details. Even when I cannot see with my eyes what God is doing, He's working and He's doing something greater and better than I know. And so, in this season, God has been asking me to surrender. I suppose when we think about the word "surrender" it feels like it's the last resort. In a war, people will fight for their nation as long as they can stand before surrendering. But the type of surrender God was asking from me wasn't forceful but so gentle. He was asking me to surrender every part of my life, to trust in his perfect timing - to surrender my desires, wants, and plans of what I thought life was supposed to look like. Because it's only when I surrender my own desires and wants, He can fill me. It's only in full surrender that He can take me further than I thought I could go. It's only when I surrender, He can mold me and use me according to His plans and not mine.
And so, I'll be turning twenty-two tomorrow. I have no idea what life is going to look like after I graduate, but I will be faithful to what God places in front of me and loving the people around me, trusting that I'm exactly where He wants me to be. Exciteeeeed for what God has in store!!
I am thankful for the cross. I am so thankful for Jesus, who chose to die on the cross for me. In Him I have new life. I’ve seen the transforming power of the gospel. I’ve seen it in my life and in the lives around me.
I’m thankful for the Holy Spirit. He continues to guide me every day.
I am so thankful for my family. I am thankful for my dad for working so hard to provide for our family. I have learned so much by observing him throughout my life. He is kind, compassionate, and so patient with me. He is a man of integrity. I am thankful for my mom, who continually prays for me at early morning prayer meetings and cooks for us. She sincerely loves those around her and continues to give to those around her. I’m so thankful that my parents choose to support me as I pursue medicine as well as the arts. I am thankful for my sister, Rebekah, who never fails to make me laugh. I’m thankful to have seen her grow in the Lord and in faith this past year through attending Grace Retreat and the missions trip over the summer. She brings so much joy to our family.
I am thankful for the youth group leaders. It is such a privilege and honors to serve alongside Augustine, Sarah, and Caleb. To see them continually give their time, money, and energy to love the youth encourages me to continue to do the same.
I am thankful for my fellowship and our fellowship Friday Bible studies – esp. for Friday dinners! It’s one less thing I have to think about on Fridays.
I am thankful for all the girls that I have met and gotten to get to know deeper this year – Jenny, Hannah Chow, Rachel, and Mary. It’s been so encouraging to meet up with each one of them and share what God has been doing in our lives.
I am thankful for this past summer. It was challenging, but it was also sweet. I lead a small group for the first time at Grace Retreat, went on missions with the youth group, took the MCAT (though it did not go so well the first time). Through spending 2 weeks with the youth, I got to get to know each one of them– their quirks and personalities.
I am so thankful for the new photography opportunities I had this past semester. I was able to photograph more portraits and families in the fall. I really enjoyed it!
I am thankful for the beautiful fall season. I enjoyed watching all the leaves change color around the neighborhood and on campus.
I am also thankful for this season in life. Looking back at the past 3 ½ years of undergrad, I don’t know how I got through each semester, but I am so thankful for how God has lead me through it all. It has certainly not been easy and the road to becoming a doctor is not an easy one, but I’ve seen God’s faithfulness over and over throughout my undergrad years. And I am confident that he will be faithful in the coming years.
I am thankful for all the professors and friends that I met at the University of Maryland.
I’m also thankful for all the resources I have at UMCP. I’m really going to miss going to the gym! Also access to creative cloud (Photoshop, Lightroom, Illustrator, etc.) has helped me grow as a creative the last few years. It’s almost two years since I started lettering and it’s been such a fun journey!
I am thankful for the opportunity that I had to attend the Chasing Light Workshop over the summer. I learned so much from Ann and it’s been amazing to see the photographers that I met improve.
I am thankful for my car that faithfully takes me to school every day.
I am thankful for my friends who continually encourage and pray for me through the difficult times this year. I have the best friends!
I am thankful for the youth group media team. Though we have not met as often this year, I am proud of the ways each person has grown!
This semester I am very thankful for Tuesdays. Tuesdays have been my favorite days (yes, more than the weekends!) because it’s my day “off”. I still have a lot of work to get done, but I can choose to do work wherever I want. Sometimes it’s a coffee shop. Sometimes it’s school. Sometimes it’s at home, but it’s still really nice to have flexibility.
I’m thankful for Dr. John Lee for allowing me to shadow him a couple of times this semester. I always learn so much – things I could never learn from textbooks.
I am thankful for the random jobs that I have had throughout my undergrad years. I have been leading Guided Study Sessions for the last 5 semesters (4 semesters for genetics). I’ve learned to facilitate discussions and to create a learning environment. When I look back, I’ve learned so much from leading GSS the last 5 semesters. I’ve grown in confidence. I’ve met some really cool people from various backgrounds. Some of them have even gone and become GSS leaders themselves! I became more comfortable speaking in front of a group of people – something I would have never imagined I would choose to do in high school.
I am thankful that God is the best teacher. He never expects me to leap from step 1 to step 10. He takes me step by step in life. Sometimes this requires me to be more patient and wait for his timing, but He knows me the best!
A few days ago I asked God - "God, what are you teaching me right now?" And I felt like his response was to embrace this season. And so, I am learning to "fall" in love with this season in life (pun intended, hehe) - the beautiful view, the leaves that are changing colors, the quality time I get to spend at coffee shops with my friends, the classmates I get to meet and get to know, studying, etc. I want to look back at this part of my life and say "I lived this season well." Because no matter what I see in front of me, I know God is orchestrating all the details of my life and all I need to do is fully trust Him. I don't want the hardships to mark this season in my life. When I look back at this season, I want to share the breakthroughs that I experienced that reveal God's character - His goodness, kindness, love, etc.
Recently Chip and Joanna Gaines released their new book "The Magnolia Story". The book begins from how they initially met, to how they landed the "Fixer Upper" on HGTV, and to how God lead them to where they are now. I love their story. I love the beautiful work that they do. I love their authenticity, integrity, and how they interact with each other. But what I love the most about their story (and book) is how they continually point others to God. Despite their fame and new platform, they are not afraid to declare God's goodness in their life. There are testimonies after testimonies of breakthroughs they experienced in their journey sprinkled throughout the book.
After I finished reading the book yesterday, one particular part near the end of the book really stuck out to me. Here's the excerpt (sorry for the spoiler!):
“It was in the middle of all that struggle I found my true inspiration as a designer - the very thing that so many people seem to be drawn to now that I’ve received this opportunity to share my work with the world.
I always thought that the ‘thriving’ would come when everything was perfect, and what I learned is that it’s actually down in the mess that things get good.
It was such a blessing to find myself thriving in the middle of the pain. Unless you find a way to do that, there’s always going to be this fake illusion that once you get there - wherever ‘there’ is for you — you’ll be happy. But that’s just not life. If you can’t find happiness in the ugliness, you’re not going to find it in the beauty, either.” (Joanna Gaines)
I hope it still makes some sense without all the background information about their lives! But the part that stood out to me was - "I always thought that the ‘thriving’ would come when everything was perfect, and what I learned is that it’s actually down in the mess that things get good." They experienced some crazy financial situations where they could have probably gone bankrupt, but in the midst of it, were able to hope. And then they experienced one of the greatest breakthroughs in their career soon after. In the same way, I want to learn how to thrive in the pain as well in the blessings. I've been thinking about what really matters in life. Yes, school is important and work is important. But I realized that at the end of the day and at the end of my life, people matter. Relationships matter. People's souls matter. At the end of my life, the question that will matter the most is - did I love well? I'm learning that it's one thing to know and it's another thing to experience. It's one thing to know that we must love one another. It's another thing to go do it. Jesus would go out of his way to meet just one person - to offer them hope, to offer them eternal life. Lately it's been busy and hard and so it's been tempting to shy away from responsibilities. But God has been reminding me that He can still use me in my weakness and in what I feel like are my inadequacies. And He will use me. Right now it feels like my response to Jesus is similar to Peter's in Luke 5:5 - "because you say so, I will let down the nets." Because Jesus says so, I will be diligent and finish my undergrad years strong.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6).
I don't quite understand how God works. But it's okay.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:9).
A few days ago, I told my sister - "I feel like God is refining me this season." He's refining my character. He's refining my trust in Him. He's refining my desires. It has been hard. It has been really really hard for me the last couple of months. But I know God's teaching me something greater than what I can comprehend and see right now. I'm learning more than ever that God is sovereign. God's got everything in control. What I want sometimes isn't what I need. But God is good and he knows what I need. He knows the best for me and He's more concerned with building my character.
Last Sunday I gave the youth group message on Matthew 4. The main three points of my message were:
God's word is true.
God's word is powerful.
God's word never fails.
Oh, it's one thing to know in my mind, but another to experience it in my life. I took the MCAT on August 20th and I received my score yesterday. I did not do well. This is not like "oh you probably did okay but you're saying you didn't do well". No, it was really bad, haha. No one should be applying to medical school with this score, haha. If this was three years ago, it probably would have crushed me. Then, my identity and worth were so intertwined with my performance. But through all this, I see how far God has brought me. And honestly, I guess I underestimated how hard the MCAT is and inadequately studied for it (I thought I could do it in 3 weeks...). It's humbling. Although it was honestly soo disappointing (there were many tears), I know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him. And I found greater peace and joy in Him. I can't do anything about it right now, so I am enjoying my last semester as an undergrad. Right now life is busy, yet simple. I have quiet time, go to lectures, do homework, teach genetics, study, go to the gym, go to lab, etc. Although I don't quite understand what God is doing in my heart and in my life, I am clinging onto His word. God is good. All the time. God is sovereign. I believe He has the best in store for me.
Even though I didn't do well on the MCAT this first time around, I wouldn't trade the experiences from this summer for a better MCAT score. God took me deeper in my faith and I saw young ones experience God like never before. It was so worth it.
I know He's writing a story better and greater than I can imagine. God's got this. God's got me in His hands.
I've been wanting to write this post for a while, but I haven't gotten around to it until now. Let's take a look inside my pencil pouch! Pictured below is my pencil pouch (or I suppose a pen pouch since I only carry pens now?) that I take to school.
Thanks Joe for the gift from Korea!
I got these when I went to Korea three years ago. I don't use them often, but I like them have them in case I need to differentiate notes in class - esp when we're superimposing lines on one graph in class).
InkJoys! These came from a package that my mom got from Costco. I also really like these for writing in my personal notebook. I don't really use them for school since I write only in black ink.
My Lamy fountain pens! The left was a birthday present from Helena and right was a birthday present from Andrew. The left one has a thicker nib and it's nice for writing people's names on envelopes while the one on the right is more for normal writing. The only downside is that you have to refill the ink pretty often. I used to write with them more often, but now not as much.
A closer look at the nibs. :) A cool thing is that you could also purchase new nibs and switch them out!
Jetstream pens! For the last two years, this has been my go-to note-writing pens. The first time I used it was when someone from Korea gave it to my sister as present. But she didn't really care or want it and then I ended up using it, haha. I have a blue one and a black one, but I find myself using the black one far more than the blue one. Over the semesters I realized I don't like referring back to my notes when they're in blue... Jetstream pens have been my favorite pens for the last two years. :)
A closer look at them.
My brush pens! I recently got the brush pen on the top. It's a lot more inkier than the tombow one (bottom pen). I was first introduced to the tombow brush pen when Sarah gave me a set for my birthday. They're super easy to carry around and they allow you to have variations in stroke thickness (great for lettering on the go)! There are two versions of the tombow pen. I have a gray one, that's a lot softer in feel when you write, but I prefer the blue one. I feel like you have more control in writing with the blue one.
Dun dun dun...I saved the best one for last. Hannah got me this muji pen as a gift when she came back from NYC and it's been my favorite pen ever since. And now I can't go back to any other pens... It feels more like a gel pen than a ballpoint pen, but it feels great writing with them!
There are a lot of other pens that I use for typography and lettering, but these are the pens that I carry to school on a daily basis! Thanks for reading. :)
I've been meaning to write "Come Alive Part II" for a while (since Part I), but things have gotten in the way, so here we go (it's been a while since Grace Retreat and so I will be relying on my notes...should have written this sooner): The Great Cover Up
I attended a seminar with my small group titled "The Great Cover Up" by Pastor Stephen Chandler.
The majority of the seminar was based on Exodus 34:29-35:
"29 When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the covenant law in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the Lord.30 When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, his face was radiant, and they were afraid to come near him.31 But Moses called to them; so Aaron and all the leaders of the community came back to him, and he spoke to them.32 Afterward all the Israelites came near him, and he gave them all the commands the Lord had given him on Mount Sinai.33 When Moses finished speaking to them, he put a veil over his face.34 But whenever he entered the Lord’s presence to speak with him, he removed the veil until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded,35 they saw that his face was radiant. Then Moses would put the veil back over his face until he went in to speak with the Lord."
Pastor Stephen spoke how when Moses came down the mountain, he covered up the goodness of God by putting a veil on his face. Why did Moses need the veil? I never thought about it before, but Pastor Stephen mentioned that the veil covered God's glory. The people already saw that Moses' face was radiant. So it wasn't because people couldn't look at his radiant face. Then why did Moses put a veil over his face? He didn't want people to see the glory diminishing from his face day after day, and week after week. I thought this was an interesting point. Sometimes, we too, cover up because we don't want people to see us not be perfect, but we reflect, not project. We reflect the grace of God. Even in our imperfections, we point others to God, and our goal is to glorify God. "When you are not concerned about people's opinions - that's when you can encourage others that he too can use them." A final point that Pastor Stephen made was that Moses didn't have the Holy Spirit in his life, which is why his radiance continue to diminish. However, we have the Holy Spirit living in us and the Holy Spirit fills us every day.
--
By failing to share what God has done in my life or even leaving out parts of my testimony, I realized that I too, can cover up God's glory in my life.
And sooo I felt really convicted to share my prom story (the full story). Even though prom was awkward (because I was awkward, haha) and I feel really bad about it because I was such a bad date, through it all, I saw how God really cares about me and even the details of my life. Throughout senior year, I was not really planning on going to prom. But then one by one, my friends decided to go (with a date) and then kept asking me if I was going to go. Although, while looking back, I wish I just went with my girlfriends (or even by myself), I didn't want to go to prom without a date if all my friends had dates. I clearly remember writing in my journal with like one month left of school - just as thoughts, not particularly as a "this is my prayer to God" but just me, laying down my thoughts before God. I had 3 things I wanted. 1) I wanted the guy to pay for my ticket 2) I wanted roses 3) I wanted to go to prom without "strings attached". What does this even mean? From observing people, I saw that a lot of couples started dating before or after prom. And I thought it was all just meaningless because they would break up right after graduation or right before college (also I promised God I wouldn't date in high school). I didn't want to lead anyone on or have this lead to anything so I wanted to go to prom without "strings attached."
I remember having a feeling one morning that something was going to happen that day, but I didn't really know what. Then a guy, out of nowhere, asked me if I wanted to go to prom and gave me a bouquet of roses (they were pretty nice, haha). He offered to pay for my ticket, but my parents said no. And I really went without any "strings attached" because I didn't really talk to him again after prom. Because we weren't really good friends beforehand, prom was so awkward. I didn't know what prom etiquettes were. My parents didn't know what prom was and as a firstborn, it was all a learning experience for me. I don't really like to talk about it because it was so embarrassing, but through it all, I saw God's love for me. Even though He knew how everything would turn out, He still answered the desires of my heart because He cared.
--
I also recently listened to this message titled "Prayer as a Way of Walking in Love" by Francis Chan. While listening to how God answered his prayers, I was also reminded by all the ways God answered my prayers throughout my life. It also challenged me to keep praying.
In our church's "Rooted Part I" video, I remember we asked the missionaries if they could go back, what would be the one thing they would change. I remember M. Rebekah and Luke both said - "pray more." I don't know why but it really stuck with me. If people who are in their 60s, nearing 70s wish they could have prayed more, it must be really important. How often do I go about my day, not asking God to be with me? How often do I go about my day not even thinking about him because I'm running from one thing to the next? Why do I think I can do more without asking for His help? Instead of getting more done, I end up being burnt out, exhausted, and tired. Even though this semester will be really busy. I can already see it, haha. I want to intentionally make time in the morning to really lay down all things before God - and to just spend that time with Him. Because it's the best place to be! Also this school year, I want to pray for God to move in our youth group - and I hope to esp. pray for my class.
During youth group, we shared our missions testimonies today. I wanted to share mine on the blog so here it is! Instead of documenting on everything, I focused on one event that meant a lot to me. Also we will be posting everyone's testimonies on the missions blog so look out for those in the near future! -- Before
we left for missions, I had several prayer topics.
I prayed that God would
financially provide 100% of the trip.
That we would have unity in within
our mission team and with the whole Joshua Generation mission team as
well.
I wanted the Holy Spirit to come
and encounter each of our team members. I wanted to see lives transformed
- lives of our youth group members, the JG team, and the people we met on
the streets. I wanted breakthroughs for our team.
My health. Whenever I am
exhausted, tired, and weak, I can get really sick. So I asked people to
pray for my health while we were away.
Although I was praying and I even asked people
to pray for me and the missions team - a part of me questioned whether I was
just saying words out of my mouth or would God really answer each one of my
prayer topics? But throughout the two weeks while we were training in
Pittsburgh and while we were in outreach in Boston, I saw God answer each one
of these prayer topics one by one. For my first prayer topic - financial
provision, I saw God open up people’s heart to really give and not only did he
provide 100% of the cost of the trip, he provided even more! Thank you God!
The first week was intense training from Sunday
to Friday at the YWAM Pittsburgh base (with the exception of the fun day on
Wednesday when we went to a water park). There were many teachings as well as
breakthroughs each day. As a leader, but not a YWAM leader, Augustine and I
didn’t have distinctive roles in the beginning of the trip. This is what I
wrote in my journal - “I think I’ve had moments yesterday where I was like -
‘what am I doing here? We should have just sent them by themselves - but no,
God you have called Aug and me to be here for a reason. Jesus, I pray for
‘marching order.’ Who can I pray for? What should I say?” From then on, I felt
a burden to pray for specific people each day. Although I felt really really
burdened, I also experienced the most joy when I was able to pray for them and
saw God just lift things off their hearts and shoulders.
One morning, the Joshua Generation head leader,
Doug spoke on trusting in God. I don’t remember the specifics, but he shared
the video of Jay Wright in the championship game. Even though there were only
three seconds in the game, he had faith that once the ball was in the hands of
his players they were going to shoot and win the game. Out of all the
teachings, this really stuck with me. Doug said God will continue to reveal
more and more to you as you go deeper in your relationship with God. I also
want to be so close to God and be in a place where I trust Him so much that
whatever He tells me is not crazily radical (though to others it may seem so).
I want to be so confident in His love and as a daughter. It is not my role to
perform, but to know my Father’s heart and to say “yes” to what He asks of me -
not out of obligation, but out of my love for Him. After hearing this, my role
during the trip was to know my Father’s heart by listening to Him and to go out
in obedience. On day four of our mission trip, I felt really burdened and
discouraged throughout the day. Although I felt so discouraged and burdened, I
realized that this is not how I usually feel. Then it occurred to me that
earlier in the day, I asked God to give me His heart. And God feels the burden
and pain we feel as His own. Then I realized that the burdens (or whatever I
was feeling) was not my own, but it was because God wanted to lift it up from
the people feeling them. God already sent Jesus to die on the cross and Jesus
already resurrected so that we don’t have to carry the burdens of our shame and
guilt anymore. I felt that God wanted me to go up and speak out of obedience
and said - “I feel like there are people here today that feel like they are
carrying a lot of burdens. God wants to lift them up today. So if you feel like
this, come up and the staff will pray for you.” At first there was an awkward pause,
but afterward, at least six of the youth stepped up and then the Holy Spirit
came and moved in amazing ways. It was amazing. As I saw the youth encounter
God like never before, I heard God speak these words to my heart - “Grace, I
always show up.” I don’t know why I doubt or doubted that God was going to show
up because He always shows up when we step out in obedience. God doesn’t
have a list of qualifications that I must meet before He can use me. Rather He
just requires my full obedience. Sometimes God will ask us to do things that
doesn’t make sense. But when we obey, He will show up - not because of anything
we did, but because it’s His nature. Whenever He shows up everything changes.
Through this mission trip, God opened my eyes once again to see that yes, God
is the God who answers our prayers. He has the best in store for me - and when
I can come to Him in prayer, I come with faith and confidence that He hears my
prayers and is faithful.
There’s a lot more that God taught me and
revealed to me during the two weeks, but this was the biggest breakthrough I
personally experienced during the trip. Through this, I was really encouraged and challenged to
continue to pray with expectation for the youth group and my friends. Please
pray for me as I continue to study for my MCAT on Aug 20th!
Last night Dr. Bill Pottenger gave the message on Genesis 12:1-9 titled “You Will Be a Blessing.” At the age of 75, God called Abram and his family. “The Lord had said to Abram, ‘Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.’ ‘I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.’” So Abraham obeyed and left everything that was familiar and comfortable to him. He left his country, his people, and his father’s household. By Abram’s actions, we can see that he truly believed God’s promises. Without hesitation, he took his family and left. I have lived in my father’s household for most of my life. Last summer, I spent two months in Uganda, away from my family and friends. I missed my family, my mom’s cookings, and the comforts of living in America. However I could still talk to them via kakaotalk or just chat with them online. But Abram left everything he knew at the age of 75 with his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, and with all the possessions they accumulated and the people they had acquired in Harran. He turned away from what was evil and turned toward what God had promised him. I really admire Abraham’s life of faith. Yes, we know clearly the mistakes Abraham had made. He failed to trust God in his promises of giving him a son and tried to force it by having his servant conceive a son for him. Though Abram made mistakes later in life, I admire Abram’s faith and obedience throughout his life - especially when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. Despite not knowing what God had for him in the future, Abram believed what God had promised him and he obeyed. There is no in between when God calls you to leave. You either stay where you are, or you go. Another point in Dr. Bill’s message I found interesting was that God revealed to Abraham what he was going to do long before Jesus came on this earth. Abraham knew that Jesus was coming. I want to have the type of faith that Abraham had - that when God speaks, I believe and I trust that God is faithful to do what he has promised to do.
Right now I am twenty-one years old. I have many dreams and visions God has revealed for my future. However, sometimes I fail to trust God and worry about the future. I will be graduating college next semester and I will be applying to medical schools next application cycle. However, even if I live to be 100 years old, this is nothing in comparison to the eternal life we will live. It’s hard to fathom the city we will be living in and it’s hard to believe that this will be our reality. As God called Abram, He called me. He calls me to follow Him and to make Him known. But I realized that the plans God has for my life are not just for me, but for others. God revealed to Abraham a plan that was greater than just for his life. God had a plan and promise for his offspring and descendants as well. But because of the great plan God had for Abraham, there were a lot of things he went through that must not have made sense at a time. God promised Abraham a son, but Sarah could not conceive. It must have been discouraging at times, but it was because God had a plan that was greater than just for his life. In the same way, God has a plan that is greater than just for my life. It is His heart and desire for all to know Him and join His family. I pray that my desire is to live with eternity in mind and not to get too caught up in the world we live in. Even though we may suffer or be uncomfortable for a little while in this world, it will be worth it when we arrive in eternity.
The last three weeks have been incredible. Tiring, exhausting, and challenging, but incredible. God has been doing so much in my heart that there is so much to share that I'm not sure how long it will take. But at the same time, since so much has happened, I keep pushing it back, saying that I'll write about everything "later." But I know that if I keep pushing it back, it will become too burdensome to write about everything at once and it'll be on the back of my mind for months. I most likely won't get through everything in this blog post, but I will keep writing and sharing what God has done in my life the last three weeks (and even before) because my story is a testimony of God's goodness.
Renewed Passion
From June 26th - 29th, I attended the Grace Retreat for the first time as a small group leader. It was such an honor to meet and get to know my small group - Ashley, Sarah, Esther, Minha, and Emily even if was only for four days. The theme of the retreat was "Come Alive," calling the youth to come alive - to take ownership of their generation to know and serve God. Before the retreat, I had been asking God for a sense of direction - a purpose after graduating college. Should I try to scribe or should I TA? Should I volunteer? Should I pursue photography? Should I do something abroad? Should I keep serving the youth? Should I do more for the college ministry? I still don't know the answers to these questions, but I know that God will continue to unfold the plans he has for my life. Serving the youth group for the last two years has been a joy to me. It's where I learned to love and to joyfully serve with all my heart. It's my joy and delight to see them grow in their faith and choose to follow Jesus with all their heart despite what their culture dictates. But at the same time, it's a lot of work and I can't plan to do much on the weekends. It can easily become routine and it can get tiring week after week. It's where I struggle the most because sometimes I don't know if I'm making a difference or if I'm doing enough. Sometimes I don't know whether I should rebuke or encourage them. I don't know if they'll realize how much we plan for just a Saturday meeting or how much we care for them (even now, I don't think I'll ever know how much Aug, Sarah, Paul, and Belssi did for us when I was in youth group). But I know this: God has called me to love on them and to pray for them (even when they're hard to love because it's God's kindness that leads us to repentance). At Grace Retreat, God really renewed my passion for loving the youth. As each speaker spoke, my heart was like "yes, yes, yessss!" He's calling forth a new generation of believers that will stand up for their faith and that will make Jesus known in their middle and high schools. They're going to do even more than I ever did in high school. They're going to be on fire. I believe that my role right now is to pray for them, empower them, and mentor them to equip them for what God has in store for their lives.
"You're a good banana."
At Grace Retreat, Lana shared a story about how once she was speaking in South America (I forget the country) but God told her to say - "You're a good banana." She had no idea what the phrase meant or how it would impact the people there, but when she spoke it, it really touched the people's lives. Apparently, they package chiquita bananas there and only the "good bananas" get exported to another country and the bad bananas get fed to the pigs. So she was essentially telling them - "you are good enough." It's been a while since I thought about my identity. I know who I am (or I thought I knew who I am, haha). But God has been taking me further in knowing who I am. I was made for a purpose. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. He made me the way I am because He has a plan for me. If you don't already know, I'm kind of weird, haha. But he made me this way. I love the sciences, but at the same time I love the arts. In college, I found it difficult to find people like me. And recently I realized that I can be really particular at times, haha (and a perfectionist). But it's okay! He made me this way. I also get words of knowledge about situations and people at times but I haven't been good at sharing them. I usually know when someone is not doing well spiritually (even if they tell me they're "good") so it's better not to lie to me, haha. And I usually keep them to myself, but God has been really tugging at my heart to share what He has told me and what He has done in my life. When I don't share what God has done, I am taking away the glory that is His. I also felt that before going to Grace Retreat, God was telling me - "Grace, I'm giving you a new voice." At Grace Retreat Pastor Chris Pautrat asked people who God was calling them to preach to stand up. In my senior year in high school, I had a dream that I was speaking in front of people. But at that time, I really couldn't imagine myself speaking in front of people. But then two years later, I gave my first message to the youth group. It was hard standing in front of people and sharing my heart. I struggled to find my voice. There are charismatic speakers, funny speakers, and etc. I struggled to speak boldly even if I prepared a lot for it. But God has been really convicting me that He created me to speak just the way I am. He doesn't want me to try to be like another speaker. He has shared with me what's on His heart and He has given me a voice to share it. As a daughter, it's my role to share what's on my Father's heart. I am not speaking to perform, but to obey because I love my Father. And what I've been learning is that once I step out in obedience, God will take care of the rest. His presence will come and He will move. It's not what I do, but it's what He does. And when He shows up, everything changes.
Another thing I learned that is that when I share what God has done in my life, my victory will become other people's victories. So I hope that you find what I wrote to be encouraging and if you are convicted, claim it! Because it's not mean for me to keep everything to myself. God wants to come and move in your life as well!
So much has happened the last three weeks that I wanted to take time to recap with some pictures! Although it has been busy, it also has been really exciting and fun.
On May 7th I went to the Gaither Vocal Band Concert in Woodbridge, VA with ten other people. The Gaither Vocal Band was so good live and you could tell that they just had fun making music! The song that I really liked from the concert was "Do You Wanna Be Well" and "Sometimes it Takes a Mountain." The song is based on the story of the invalid man that's been sitting next to the fountain for 38 years. "But you gotta wanna be well, really wanna be well // Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself? // Do you wanna be free, really wanna be free? // If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well." At times we may be stuck in times of self pity and despair. But no matter what you may be going through, Jesus has the power to heal. But before He can do so, you "gotta wanna be well."
My cute little sister chillin' on my bed doing her homework.
:)
If you happen to stop by at our house on a weekday evening, you would most likely find my sister, not in her room, but in my room (one of the smallest rooms in the house), sitting on my bed doing her homework. Why? After all these years, I don't know why she chooses my room over hers. I ask her every time, but I guess she must like me, haha. However, I wanted to write this blog post, because it wasn't always like this. I look at our sweet relationship and I'm so thankful. I'm so thankful that God mends broken relationships and He heals. Well, I'll start from the beginning. If you know my testimony, you know that when I was little, I prayed for a younger sibling (since I was the only child at that time). My mom told me that when I lived in Canada and saw other families with a lot of children, I really wanted a sibling. God heard my prayer and knew the desires of my heart and gave me Rebekah while we were living in Korea! I still remember the week when she was born. I was SO excited and visited the hospital after school every day (sometimes even on my own at the age of seven) to see my mom and my cute baby sister. We have a really big age gap so for the first half of Rebekah's life, I was more like a mother than a sister. Well, kind of in between. I didn't take care of her well as a mother would, but I did change her diaper and fed her rice, haha. Nowadays, she's taller than me (as she reminds me often) and I think people get surprised that we are seven years old apart when we seem so close. Because my dad went back to get a RN degree during my late elementary/middle school years, I had the responsibility of babysitting my sister during elementary and middle school years. Looking back, while other kids probably went outside and played, I spent a lot of my time indoors reading books and "babysitting." To be honest, I probably was not a great baby-sitter. When I started attending youth group in seventh grade, I noticed how different my responsibilities seemed to my friends. While they had siblings 2 years older (or siblings close to their age), I had a sister 7 years younger than me. Though my parents didn't say I had to, I had this sense of responsibility that I had to be home to babysit. And for a while, it felt like a burden. Whenever I would want to go to a event or somewhere, I would have to think of my sister and make sure she had a place to go or a babysitter (in case my parents were not at home). And somehow I think this lead to resentment. Even though people told me "oh Rebekah is so cute!"I honestly could not see it at that point. Now I look back at those pictures and she was really cute (look at the picture)!
I saw several people share this (the photo above) on my facebook the other day. At first glance, I thought it was cute and then dismissed it. But the longer I stared at the photo, I began to understand the true meaning. Above, you will see three people walking through life (literally walking, haha). As each person walks, there's a chasm he or she must get through. Someone walking alone will have a difficult time getting over the chasm. A person walking alone could try to leap across, invent a gadget, etc. to get to the other side. However, because they are holding each other up, each person is able to get through life. There's a t-shirt that has a stick figure kneeling in prayer that says - "someone's praying me through." When I first saw this t-shirt, I remember thinking it was kind of weird because I didn't understand the meaning. But I realized that everyone has highs in life as well as lows. There will be times when I may fall or go through a difficult season. This is when I need people to pray for me. But when I am doing well, I need to spend time to pray for my friends and those around me. As much as we would all like to always be strong, we will all eventually face a day when our strength fails us. Let's be a community that supports each other through the good times and bad.
God has placed on my heart to write about the topic of community for a while so this will be the beginning of the series titled "Community." For now, I am not completely sure which direction these following blog posts will go, but I hope to focus on different aspects of community, what it means to live in a community, and how God created us to be part of a community (in no particular order). I hope to pull information together from scripture, my experiences, and biology & psychology (but mainly scripture).
Looking back in my life, I am so thankful to have grown up in a loving community of believers - with a group of diverse group of people with many differences, but with one thing in common - Jesus. Growing up, I always assumed that all church communities were like a family as our church is, but I realize now although we may be small in numbers, there's something special about here. Though we are imperfect people, we serve a perfect God who lavishly and unconditionally loves each person. It doesn't matter whether you are young or old - you belong. I love the African proverb - "If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together." because it portrays what community looks like, and what our community looks like. We rejoice together. We suffer together. We mourn together. We pray together. We do life together. We go together.
This was the testimony that I shared with my group at the conference!
“For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made
alive.” – 1 Corinthians 15:22
In 1 Corinthians
15:12-34, Paul dissects the arguments for and against the resurrection of the
dead. He begins by asking the question - “But if it is preached that Christ has
been raise from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection
of the dead?” Why was the resurrection such a grave matter? Why was it so
important for Paul to address this problem amongst people in the church? The
resurrection of man (especially the resurrection of Jesus) was a theoretical
debate amongst different sects of Jews. Even when Jesus was alive, the
Sadducees did not believe in the resurrection of the death. However, Jesus’
resurrection is one of the fundamental beliefs of Christianity. What is the
meaning of Jesus’ resurrection? As sin entered the world through Adam, the
relationship between man and God was broken - not only for Adam and God, but
for his descendant as well. God told Adam that if he ate fruit from the
knowledge of good and evil that he would “surely die.” Yet, Satan tempted Adam
and questioned if God really told them they will die, ultimately questioning
the consequences of sin. In the same way, there are so many temptations and
ways to sin in our world. College campuses are full of ways to indulge in our
sinful desires – and Satan continues to lie – “did God really say you’re going
to die?” We live in a really permissive culture. But while sinning can seem
exciting, thrilling, and fulfilling at the moment, in the end, it truly only
leads to death. The resurrection signifies Jesus’ power and reign. However, if
there is no resurrection – and Jesus did not resurrect from the dead, sin and
death continues to separate us from a relationship with God. Although the enemy
continues to lie, we know that Jesus has already conquered death. As Philip
Brown shared in his message (paraphrased) – if God has already taken care of my
salvation, I can entrust him to take care of the little details of my life.
Having a relationship with God is far better and greater than any pleasures
this world can give me. “For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made
alive.” God sent Jesus not to make bad people good, but to make dead people
alive. As a result, as Paul told the Corinthian church, in order to rid myself
of anything that separates me from God, I must “stop sinning” and continually
repent. I pray that as a church, that we may look to the cross, stop sinning,
and find our fulfillment and satisfaction in Jesus.
--
I was really blessed this conference listening to all the messenger and testimony speakers. It was really refreshing! During praise night, I was just reminded that God has and will always be with me whatever I face in life. One word I received from God was the theme over my life - "grace over grace." I have seen his grace over and over in my life in the past and I believe that I will continue to see his grace this semester, next semester, and in the years to come. I'm also super proud of the youth group for the video they produced and can't wait to see where God takes us next!
I realized that although I may not verbally communicate these two words with others, this belief can (sometimes) be found in my language, actions, and reactions.
There was a study done by Carol Dweck on mindsets - growth mindset versus fixed mindsets. Many people have fixed mindsets - meaning they believe that they are born with a set amount of intelligence and no matter what they do or how hard they try, it's not going to change. However, people with growth mindset believe that their intelligence keeps growing as they struggle and persevere through difficulties (as their neurons keep making more connections). I find her study to be super interesting! Lately, I've been reflecting on my life and I do see the times that I struggled, grew, and learned, but at the same time, I see the times that I limited myself and said "oh, I can't do that," "that's too hard," etc. (things along these lines) or thinking that other people were just smarter than me. Whenever I thought I couldn't do something, I would give up even before I tried harder to learn or improve. Or if I did try, I would try, but give up once things became difficult. But whenever I believed that I could eventually do it or just wanted to learn, no matter how hard it was, I would keep trying to learn and persevere. There's a stark contrast!
Looking back at these short twenty-one years of my life, God has lead me to places I've never imagined that I would ever go to and do things that I would have never imagined myself doing (going to Mexico and Uganda, taking family photos, giving messages, etc). I realized that when we place limits on ourselves and others, we may hinder their growth from becoming who God created them to be. At the same time, there are times you have to give up dreaming hopelessly about something that is not going to happen (but that is up to your discernment). So if you want to do something and learn something new, why not? I suppose because it takes effort, perseverance, motivation, and most importantly, a willingness to learn. I think we often see the polished version of others' success and we don't see the grind and all the hard work behind everything they've done. But really, if you want to learn, why not? I've been studying wedding photographers - and I wonder why some businesses keep growing while others plateau and kind of dwindle away. I realized that people who are successful are always willing to improve, and learn (from mistakes and from others). If something doesn't work, they don't keep doing it. They are willing try new things and if it works better, they adopt it as part of their business and workflow. However, there are photographers who are stuck in their ways and they don't seek to improve. They settle. They don't seek to keep learning.
So lately I've been learning that God is not the God of limits. Pause and just think about this: he created us for eternity. How crazy is that in itself? But whenever we face difficulties and struggles, we believe Satan's lies that we can't, that we're not good enough, or that we're not capable, and we give up. Let's dream big. Let's have a vision for our future and for each other. Let's persevere. As we persevere and push for more, there will be breakthroughs. As Christians, we reflect and glorify God. Whatever you do - be the best version of yourself. Be humble. Be willing to learn from your mistakes and from others. However, I believe there's a point where we have to lay down everything down before God - the good and the bad - all of our fears and dreams. Sometimes we have to fully surrender our dreams to God and let them die, but God can bring the dead to life. When he does bring the dream back and bring forth the dream to life, it will be even more beautiful than we imagined them to be.
It's a struggle. I remember many years ago, Paul (my youth group teacher) asked me how I was doing and I expressed my frustration on how hard it was to trust God - to let go and fully trust Him with my life. And I remember him kind of chuckling and replying that it doesn't get easier as you get older. Looking back, I see what he meant. Trusting God is not a one time thing. Rather, it's a conscious decision I must make every day to trust Him and submit all my ways to Him. Although I know that God is good and has the best plans for me, it's a struggle - to trust him with all my heart. There's a battle in my heart - a part of my heart seeks safety, comfort in what I know, whatever is "easier" to do. But the enemy is a liar. Although he promises safety, comfort, wealth, etc., once you obtain these things, you will be left empty, wanting more. As I surrender and submit to my God, the good good Father, I know that he will "make my paths straight." As I surrender and submit to my God, I experience the greatest joy and freedom. Although the road I am traveling on is uncertain, I trust Him. He's been so faithful to me and I know He will continue to be faithful.
This weekend was so exciting! During youth group, we watched the movie titled Furious Love and then we went treasure hunting at Beltway Plaza. To be honest, it is usually really nerve-wracking to go up to people and ask if we can pray for them. I usually kind of check the time often and see if it's time to go back. But this Saturday it was really fun! After watching the movie, I was encouraged to go out boldly. As children of God, we also walk in the same spirit that Jesus walked with. No demon or spirit has a chance against the spirit of God. My group was Susan, Yoojin, and me. We took turns asking people if they wanted prayer and saw God move over and over again. Although we met many people, the two incidents that touched my heart was at Target (the best place to be, jk :)). As Aug asked - "where does God want us to go?" The first thought that came to my mind was "Target," but I thought it might be just because I really like Target. As soon as we walked in, we saw an older man wearing a redskins hat. One of the clues we had were "red beanie" and so, Susan stopped and tried to talk to the man. But he was holding onto another man who was holding onto another man. Then we found out that they were deaf. There were around 6-7 people and they were at Target as an outing. After we realized we didn't know how to sign, the leader pulled out his smartphone (thank God for technology!!) and we typed our conversations. We asked him if we could pray for them and he was very open. Although they couldn't hear us, we spent some time praying for each one of them and I believe they felt God's love. As I laid my hand and prayed for them, I felt God's love overflowing for them. I love how although society may say these are the least, God loves and cherishes them. The leader typed - "it was a divine encounter" and I believe it was too! We then took a picture with them and went on our way. We met a lady in an another aisle. Susan asked if she could pray for her and we found out that she was a pastor. Then she challenged us to pray for us. After Susan prayed for her, she in turn prayed for us. She prayed over Proverbs 3:5-6 us and that we would be bold as we continue with our lives - that we won't be afraid wherever we go. Whether we're at target, school, church, work, God is moving. He's pouring our His spirit upon us and as his children and disciples, we must walk with faith, truth, and confidence.
Recently Hannah and I started a small group (mostly Hannah) with a group of college aged girls called Food for Soul in hopes that we can encourage each other to grow and walk in our faith throughout our college years. As I shared what happened at Target and shared the verse the pastor prayed over us, Hannah also shared her prayer. Earlier in the day, she prayed and asked God what verse to share with us and she believed that God told her Proverbs 3:5-6! As we discussed the verses, we discussed what it means to trust God with all our heart. I think the part that stuck out to me the most was - "lean not on your own understanding." I realized that my understanding is so limited. Although I can only see what is right in front of me, God can see way ahead. He knows my future. And it is my role to submit all my ways before Him.
Homemade pizza! Sooo goood.
Our hope is that through our monthly meetings, we will provide an environment to openly discuss the Word of God, our struggles as college students, and eat! It stirs my heart to see God raising up young leaders. I'm so excited to see that God is raising up high school and college students after His heart.
I love seeing people encounter the love of God. I've seen God do great things, but I believe that God is going to do even greater things in the years to come. We must ready our hearts and equip ourselves to be ready to go forth.
